That journey would see me travel from Mooneschaodwe (which had no 'court' to learn from) to Wiesenfeuer, Namron, and Northkeep every month for the next year and a half. It was the foundational decision that shaped much of my relationship with the rest of the SCA today, and it was groundwork for so much of my future within (and outside of) the Ansteorran college of heralds.
I never once set out seeking any awards of recognition, but my work there was directly responsible for my Sable Crane from the crown, and my service award from Northkeep, two awards I still am fiercely proud of.
But, these things did not happen without cost, and that cost was to be paid locally.
My decision to pursue court heraldry as an art was always met with luke-warm interest within Mooneschaodwe, and I knew it would be even before I set out. Inf act, I was openly branded an 'outsider' on multiple occasions for not being happy with what was offered within the group. There were, and still are those who see only the most selfish of motives behind my every action, and not once in eleven years did that criticism or skepticism ever really quiet.
My own life hasn't helped, with various points in my life where work or illness, or money, have pulled me away from the group for months on end.I've had to come back just after some huge changes, or in the middle of projects. Its not an easy situation to be in.
True friendships endue such challenges.
Their partners grow, they learn, they teach, and they engage with each other.
Friendships are what make the hard times worth worth dealing with, and are what make the extra effort of facing those challenges worth investing each day.
Over this past year, I've slowly (and at times painfully) come to accept that I have no such relationship left with Mooneschaodwe.
The last of my close circle of friends had left, most (not that there were ever a huge number) moved away for mundane reasons.
I'm not a saint in this equation, my own conduct is not universally praiseworthy, and I don't care to say or imply it is.
And this is not to say that I hate or even dislike every, or even the majority of Mooneschowe's current members. That too is categorically incorrect.
But in the end, when I need to reach out for someone to offer counsel, or advice, or company, there are none in Mooneschadowe's ranks I feel even remotely comfortable seeking that from. Some I am not that close to, some I don't know that well, and some, sadly, I simply don't trust at all.
The result, in all its sole darkening glory, is that I am dreadfully lonely right now.
I don't have a 'lets go grab drinks' type of relationship with anyone at work. I don't 'hang out and watch the game' with anyone. Its made me jaded, and tired, and is slowly stripping me of my purpose, my drive, and my reason to get up in the morning at times.
This has to end, and its going to end very soon.
Starting next month (necessitated by family obligations and an associated big trip coming up), I will begin tracking down regular meetings for A&S, heraldry, scroll painting, and other activities in the Baronies of Namron, Wiesenfuer, and the Canton of Myrgenfeld.
(The only reason I don't list Northkeep is because I can't practically reach them on a weekly or monthly basis, but that is strictly a factor of money and nothing else.)
But the important this is that.I am going to invest time in the people and groups who still have expressed the will to invest time in me.
And for the foreseeable, and likely distant future, I am sadly confident that I will probably not call Mooneschaodwe home again.
Ever.
His Lordship Ivo Blackhawk
Kingdom of Ansteorra
"Long Live the King!"
